I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
