If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
