Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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