She said her name was "party"
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
