Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
