One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
