just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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