He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
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woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
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Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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