Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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