When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
