dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
