Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
