just tell him i said nine months
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
