remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
She announced her abortion via fbk
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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