Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
