If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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