how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
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so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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