he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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