I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
