i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
