Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
