I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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