i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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