I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
