My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
