i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
