just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Randomize
