you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
