Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
All I want is dick and wine.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
