The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
