We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
