Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
