dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
The best revenge is premature balding
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
