he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
