look no pants
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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