i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
