so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
