I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
