i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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