Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
