you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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