Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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