so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
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I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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