it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i came on her dog
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
