she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Everclear isn't food dammit
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
