now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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