i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I just found puke in my bra..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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