I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
