I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
