I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
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