I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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