New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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