We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
