I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
