Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
