fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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