tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
