so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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